One of my earliest memories of my relationship with Jon, was when we were sitting at a dinner table with his family and everyone was eating a set meal, and he and I were served the vegetarian option.
I knew he was also a vegetarian, and its one of the things that attracted me to him. But in that moment, for the first time I felt like I had a partner at the dinner table. After countless years being the only one with a dietary ‘limitation’, or the one that was constantly being apologized to, as friend forked a piece of meat into their mouths, or even worse – having a host call me before the event and ask in desperation, ‘What CAN I make you’, I had someone who understood and could share the experience of being the ‘other’ at the table.
I know it sounds weird, but there was a feeling of food compatibility that I never really knew I longed for. It was in the very first month of our life together, so I hadn’t even considered things like what we would cook together when preparing meals at home, but in that moment I could see it, and there was this sense of relief.
In a world, particularly the Western World, where we have the luxury of choosing what and how we will eat, the notion of partnering with someone that shares your food culture and practice becomes something important to consider. Before dating Jon, I was in a relationship with a man who was an avid meat eater. Cooking meals for us both was always a challenge for him and for me, because although we got creative, two different meals would end up getting made which enforced a sense of separateness. This experience fostered a belief in me, that finding a partner with similar dietary choices was critical.
The choice to go vegetarian was motivated by different reasons for Jon and I, but the results were the same. Our diet and choices matched up, and it made meals at home and restaurant choices so much easier, along with our motivation for trying out new ethnic foods. But food choices live on a sort of continuum, at least they have for me.
After finding out I had a serious gluten intolerance, I had to revamp many of my eating habits and choices. This wasn’t the case for Jon, who eats quite a lot of bread products. Then in the last couple of years, so overwhelmed by the restrictions I had, particularly when eating out, I began eating meat again. You can imagine how this changed things in our kitchen!
So here we are, over seven years into our relationship, and our food compatibility has changed dramatically. The compatibility that I thought was based on eating the same foods, has shifted and grown over the years. Its based more on our food practice then it is on the specifics over what we eat.
We are both committed to high quality fresh and whole foods, cooking more at home then going out to eat, sitting down together at the dinner table when we are both at home, and eating out at places that take food and sustainability seriously. Beyond making the same choices, its the nourishment and connection that we foster while sitting across from each other to eat that makes our food practice culture rich and deep.
My time with Jon over the years has really fed my values surrounding food. For me its grown beyond feeling connected over both being vegetarians, and has branched out into conscious choices about how we eat, why we eat together, and how the food we prepare and share together is as much about our relationship dance as it is about sating hunger.
I am curious about other couples out there. I would love to hear about your couple food practices and thoughts. Please share in the comments section, I would love to keep this exploration going.
Frank and I eat everything humanly possible at all times…just sayin'. BUT, maybe that is why I am getting a bit plump!
*Laughs* Well, you both do have quite a taste bud for good food! I can't imagine someone who runs a restaurant would be too successful if they didn't love all food in general and you two do a fabulous job at Aroma. But Lori Love… lets get one thing VERY clear – here is nothing plump about you! You are one seriously hot mama.
Great post. It can always be tricky, but it's amazing how you start to work towards each other. ZomppaTsering is vegetarian and her husband is an avid steak eater! You might not ever totally agree, but it's respecting the other's values about food.
I agree! Respect is key in all things, really. Food is such an intimate thing in a relationship. I think the big learning for me came in the last couple of years of my relationship, when our eating habits started to diverge a bit and still, we have found a deeper value of food to connect over. Its been amazing, if I do say so.
I am a vegan and have been that or a vegetarian through most of college. My fiancée offered to cook a veg meal for me as our first date though he was not a vegetarian and had never tried Veg food. Since then we cook only vegetarian meals, which he loves. He is willing to try whatever I like which is new for me seeing as I live in Texas and I am normally criticized for my life style.
Seeing as he has grown up here and has not had a lot of the same experience that I have or have heard about, learning them together and has made our relationship closer.
Erika, I love this! It also reminded me that one of the other things about Jon that I loved almost immediately was that he would eat and try anything I made him. Talk about sexy!
Like I mentioned to Belinda, in the other comment, its really amazing how a couples food culture can bring you closer together. The key is really about being conscious of the fact that there is even a couple food culture, or practice as I like to call it, to begin with!
Dom and I are very combatible in our food choices; we both enjoy food and derive pleasure by trying new recipies and experimenting with ingredients. We mainly eat in, but one of our favorite pastimes is watching food shows, finding appealing restaurants and trying them. I don't think it would be nearly as interesting to be with someone who wasn't willing to step out of the box in the food department.
i agree… being with a food adventurous person is so much fun, especially if you share the interest. I miss not having cable simply for the food shows. I remember when Jon and I were first dating, he would Tivo all the the shows I liked, and when I was at his place on the weekends, I would spend hours watching them all!
Sending you and the fam big foodie love!
Very interesting post. Brian and I both believe that eating well is important and our definition of "well" was the same when we met. To us it means mostly healthy, fresh, local and with a minimal amount of processing if possible. We both believe in the occasional indulgence but neither of us could ever live with someone who required frequent stops at McDonald's and stocked the cupboards with chips, dips and pre-packaged "food-like" substances. Our actual tastes were slightly different but we've introduced and converted each other over the years to a similar palate. I am allergic to seafood, he is not so we don't cook it at home but he'll order it in restaurants. No problem.
We're the same here. While at home, the meals we cook are vegetarian, and its usually when we go out to eat that I'll order meat of some sort. Works out fine for both of us.
Always wondered about this w/ others too…
For a time, my girlfriend's "restrictions" due to gluten issues and her being a vegetarian really kind of irked me. It did feel like a downer, esp when traveling. I wanted to experience everything…
Long story short, I do all the cooking, and over the years I have come to appreciate how she eats and am now eating nearly the same–voluntarily.
So we enjoy what is available to us; Indian food, some Mexican. Other than that I prepare a mostly plant-based, organic cuisine we have kind of invented for ourselves. And we really enjoy it.
Thanks for the thought provoking.
I can so understand this. At least from the side of the restricted eater, its so uncomfortable having to be choosey and eating out can be such a pain in the butt. Its great that you and your girlfriend have found a way to dance with the differences. I think this is a natural extension of relationships. I mean, it makes sense that compromise and adjustments between two people would extend to food. its almost a mirror for the relationship dynamic I think. Thanks for stopping and by and sharing your story! Love hearing about others.
This is a very interesting post. My husband and I are from two different cultures; he is Ghanaian, and I am a midwestern American girl. Our food cultures completely clashed when we first met, and while we have had some growing pains, we have taught each other a lot. For example, he loves eat whole fish (head, tail, and all!), and I hardly ever ate seafood (and if so – filet!). It feels so healthy to get so many omega-3s now! He also was a total stranger to the concept of "dessert," while I was overeating over-sweet things. Now we have a wonderful balance, eating desserts only once in a while, and usually those that are not too sweet – like tonight making your baked apples recipe! I feel like we both eat better now because we have experienced such a diverse range of eating styles.
Wow Jennifer, I hadn't even thought of a couple coming from two completely different cultures! What an amazing path of learning for you two! And more importantly to this foodie gal, how exciting. I think it must really teach you both to dance with the differences in all aspects of your relationship, which is such an important skill to have.
You also brought up an interesting question for me. I wonder if the idea of dessert after a meal is a Western one?
I guess the idea of dessert is not universal, anyway. I've read one explanation suggesting that it even relates to the American concept of time – it is very sequential, always leading up to something, like the climax of a movie… or the crowning achievement of dessert at the end of a meal! If you were to compare my husband's culture in these same metaphors, you never want to get stuck watching an African film if you've got somewhere to go – there is part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, and etc, and not much happens in any of them; the story just keeps going, until it ends… and in the same way with a Ghanaian meal, you eat and eat and eat the main course, until you are full and get up from the table!
P.S. I am exploring these ideas and more at my blog as well: raisinquestions.wordpress.com